Filed under: Self Assessment
You are the rare, the overlooked, yet incredibly useful dodecahedron: the d12. You are a creative, romantic soul. You often act without thinking, but make up for your lack of plans with plenty of heart. You easily solve problems that stump others, but your answers tend to put you into even deeper trouble. You write long, detailed backgrounds for all your characters, and are most likely to dress up as one or get involved in cos-play. You can be silly at times and are easily distracted by your own day dreams, but at the end of the day you’re someone who can be depended on.
Filed under: Rare Commentary
I don’t want to sound like a raving lunatic, but I feel like this subject keeps coming up and it is starting to drive me a little crazy. I don’t know how to articulate a response without sounding annoyed or bitter or cynical, all of which are things I don’t typically feel. Usually I just politely ask to change the subject. Still, the emotions and thoughts that I would otherwise be spilling remain choked up inside my chest. So, as of this blog post, I can officially say that I am one of those people taking to the internet to openly air her grievances.
I am 30 years old, straight and single. I am an awesome person – at least I think so – and my family and friends at least humor me with their agreement. I’m decent, kind, smart, super fun and at least remotely attractive. Once upon a time I had a boyfriend, it didn’t work out and eventually I got over it. In the years since, I have had little to no success in the love department. After many years of enjoying single life, I do feel now that it might be nice to try to have a committed relationship. It’s important to note that I am not someone who feels the rush to get married or have children. I have never thought about what my dress would look like, what flowers I would have, what my colors would be, etc. If I ever do marry, I would prefer a simple civil ceremony followed by a huge party for all of my friends and family to celebrate. Honestly, I’d just be happy to have a “partner in crime.” I also love children and I hope to have at least one some day. But, if it doesn’t work out, I happen to have four AMAZING nieces and nephews to dote on. Being Aunt Jacquie IS very fulfilling!
As further proof that my heart is open and fully functioning, I can tell you that I recently realized that I had strong feelings for someone who had been in and out of my life for many years. I told him so, but unfortunately he didn’t share those feelings. Oh well, what can you do?
I live in a city where the majority of the people I encounter are either in relationships (and therefore unavailable) or not interested in relationships (and therefore – the dreaded term, “emotionally unavailable”). There’s also a third category of person who just isn’t interested in me, which is fine and hardly worth mentioning. J I also travel a lot, which means I meet lots of new people all the time. If you’ve read my blog before, you know that I had a brief encounter with an internet dating site and it just didn’t do it for me. So, where does that leave a person like me? Well, I’ll tell you … I’m living my life! I work a lot, try to have fun in between, focus on experiences and learning new things and hope to be a positive influence in the world.
So why write this? I am human and anyone who knows me can attest that I have always been highly sensitive and emotional. I’m exhausted and even hurt by the assumptions, the judgment, the questions, from those who know me well and those who don’t know me at all. I think there should be a limit to the number of times one has to hear the following:
“Why don’t you have a boyfriend? What do you mean you don’t have a boyfriend? You have everything going for you. How is it possible that you don’t get asked out on dates? People where you live must be blind or crazy. Do you want to come out with me/meet my friend? You must be doing something wrong. Are you trying? You have to believe that you deserve it. Are you being yourself? You must not love yourself. Maybe people are intimidated by you. Have you tried wearing less make-up? You need to be more confident. You need to be less confident. What ever happened to that guy? You’re just not looking in the right places. Have you tried dating on the internet?”
The answers, for the record are:
I don’t know why – I have friends, some are boys, just haven’t found someone “special” yet. Yes, it’s true, no boyfriend. Yes, I know, I’m awesome. As implausible as it may seem to you, I don’t get asked out on dates and I can probably count on one hand the number of times I have ever been “asked out” – and I don’t know why. Lots of people in my neighborhood are crazy, probably a few blind ones, too, but I’m guessing that both crazy people and blind people date. Sure, why not. If you think I’m doing something wrong, feel free to share your thoughts. Sometimes I try, sometimes I don’t, I can’t center my life around trying to get it right. I KNOW I deserve it. I can’t be anything but myself – I admit, maybe that’s a problem for some people. That’s nuts – we all read/see the news, which showcases what happens to people who do not love themselves – I LOVE myself; how could I spend all of this time hanging out with myself and not? I don’t know how to respond to the issue of intimidation – I consider it highly unlikely, but I can’t read minds and everything is relative – if you are afraid of me, I probably don’t want to date you, either. I don’t wear that much make-up, sometimes I don’t wear any at all – I know I don’t look like a clown or anything, so that really shouldn’t matter. We all have bad days and I am not going to feign confidence – maybe that day I’ll just stay home. That’s just dumb and if you think so, maybe you’re the one with the problem. J I’m not sure who you are referring to. I’m pretty sure that looking in any place will guarantee failure, but I talk to people almost everywhere I go and I smile a lot, so if someone were looking for an opening they can always find it. I considered it, I tried to follow through with it, it felt wrong, I’m not going to do it again.
Yup, I feel better. And now I can just direct all further inquiries to this site, which will save me a lot of time! If you’ve made it to the end of this post, thanks for listening. If you’re guilty of making any of the above comments, don’t feel bad – I know it all comes from a good place and I appreciate you!
Filed under: Self Assessment
I thought maybe I would get back into the swing of things with a second installment of silly revelations about myself for ‘08. Jax is back and in effect!
5) I am a fast-walker. I blame my dad for this, as he is the fastest walking person that I have ever met. I used to think it was funny as a kid that I had to run to keep up. It’s true, just ask my mother. She still complains that when they hold hands and walk he is essentially dragging her along behind him. Once I reached my full, adult height (5′ 9″), I came to appreciate the long stride and resultant advantage it afforded when rushing to get from point A to point B (no surprise that I ended up living in New York City – the most urgently paced city in the world). However, when walking with vertically challenged or merely slower friends, I am often confronted with a frustrated “hey, wait for me.”
6) I cannot take a compliment. I don’t know why. To be fair, with the exception of my relatives, the only compliments I seem to get are from complete strangers. I guess I’m caught off-guard when someone I don’t know tries to say something nice to me. I don’t know if I just think that they are mistaken, or if I am worried that they are trying to flatter me to prepare me for some kind of manipulation. I get that this is cynical of me and I have worked to improve in this area. For example, I do not roll my eyes, laugh or say “yeah, right” anymore. I combat all of my natural instincts and simply say “thank you.”
7) I talk to myself. All the time. I know others who do this, so it shouldn’t make me feel particularly odd. But it is getting worse as the years pass. The main problem is my habitual use of accents and my fondness for relaying sentiments in song. When you are in the midst of an actual conversation with others it can be amusing or, dare I say, endearing. When you are standing in the aisle of a grocery store with no visible dialogue partner it is just CRAZY.
8) I believe there is a soundtrack to my life. I wake up with a song in my head and I basically need to listen to music all day long. I also happen to believe that music needs to be played at high-volume. This has not made me the best neighbor in the past (that was intentional, but I was provoked!); it also doesn’t make me the most popular driver at a stoplight during the summer (I don’t like A/C, so my windows are always down) or the most pleasant subway passenger every morning (I finally got an ipod, so I’m just making the most of it).
Filed under: Self Assessment
Nearly two weeks into my year of being 30, I am feeling pretty great. There is no good reason for it and the only thing I can figure is that the accomplishment of turning 30 has given me an unexpected sense of pride and, oddly, entitlement. Suddenly I am hyper-aware of all that I have to offer and I am openly giving myself some credit. I believe that my greatest happiness and success is yet to come. I’m wondering why I spent so much of my youth being underwhelmed by myself. There have been challenges and a few missteps to overcome – I’m not saying that I’m God’s gift to anything – but, I am finally ready to admit that I am proud of ME. I have worked so hard for everything I have achieved in my life. Many things have yet to come to fruition, but time seems so relative to me now. If there is anything that I can say, after 30 years of existence, it is that I have done my best to become the best human being that I can be. I have had a lot of love, a fair amount of privilege, and a little bit of guts to carry me through. It still bothers me that some people just don’t GET IT. But I think by the time I reach 40, I might finally have figured out how not to care!
Filed under: Day-to-Day
I am generally very good at dealing with stress – to a fault, actually. I am known for being “fine” through just about everything. I suppose it is what makes me a go-to friend during times of trouble – and it also makes me good at my job. I started to question this a bit when I received some difficult news last week. My response was so cool, calm and collected that it freaked me out. I am a problem solver – if something is wrong, tell me what it is and I will do everything I can to figure out how to solve it. I have had to survive a lot in life, as we all have – but I suppose having to get through many things on my own has made me focus almost entirely inward. I remember how I reacted when I found out last year that my brother had been in a devastating accident. There was my father sitting stoically in the driver’s seat, on the phone and trying to get some answers. My mother was in the passenger seat up front, doing her best not to drown in tears. My younger sister was next to me in the back seat and, to be honest, I really don’t remember what she was doing. All I know is that I kept telling myself to breath in and out deeply. I can still feel the sensation of the air filling my lungs as I was looking out at the rolling hills of West Virginia. For 3 hours I sat in the car repeating to myself – don’t get upset, yet - you will get there and assess the situation and give him whatever support he needs. My sister almost fainted when she walked into the emergency room. It is not an easy thing to see someone you love in traction, knowing they are scared, in pain and, in this case, totally unrecognizable. I just went to him and grabbed his hand. I wanted him to look in my eyes and see that I was not worried so that he would feel secure. I don’t know if it worked, but it gave me some sense of purpose. After questioning my response to the present family crisis, I seem to have struck a chord – within myself. It started out as a subtle pang of emotion that has swelled and is now thrusting secret pockets of hidden feelings into the spotlight. I’m not sure what it’s all about, but I think even the most put-together people among us need to clean out the closet every now and then to make room for whatever lies ahead …
Filed under: Rare Commentary
I’m feeling stupid – there’s no other way to put it and I consider myself a pretty smart person, so I’m not saying this lightly. I am an optimist about most things and I think for once I have to admit that I was stupid – stupid for believing in the possibilities; stupid for listening to the things that other people said, hoping they were right, but knowing in my gut that they were not; stupid for putting myself into a situation that resulted in me feeling … yes – you guessed it – stupid. The truly sad (though not surprising) part is that my feelings are the cause of my stupidity. I have always told myself that feelings are not wrong; how can they be, if they are just what you feel?? Unfortunately, whatever it is that I am feeling seems to be wasted energy. Life is too short and I just can’t allow myself to be stupid any longer!
Filed under: Rare Commentary
I thought writing a blog would be difficult for many reasons. First, what would I have to say? Second, would anyone care? And finally, if people did care to read it, would I have the stomach for whatever comments come my way … It has been a fun and often surprising experience, even considering that I don’t post regularly. I wonder if it is lame that I write about my social life. I admit it is a safe way for me to dip my big toe into the icy waters of this platform. There is a reason I don’t want to get too deeply into politics or religion or other highly debatable topics – and the reasoning is simple. I feel pretty passionately about those things and I don’t know that blogs are the appropriate forum for a real discussion. I have tried to read blog posts with multiple participants slinging ideas, and sometimes insults, back and forth. It can be difficult to follow the progression and many times there is no progression at all. I like to challenge people to try to change my mind about issues that are important to them. At the very least, I want to understand their views, especially if they differ from my own. I hope that sometimes my perspective can also have an impact on the way others think. That is very hard to do without an in-person type of dialogue. Sometimes that feels like a cop-out, but I’m still working it out.
Filed under: Self Assessment
A friend recently told me that she thought I wasn’t interested in being a participant. In life, in general. It was a harsh indictment and I strenuously object to the notion. However, I take everything people say to heart, at least for a moment. Perhaps because I was so adamant about being right in my youth, I have decided that maybe I am wrong about a lot of things. So, I consider – her theory stems from the fact that I plan events for a living. This allows me to set the scene for other peoples’ enjoyment without having to actively experience it – or so she contends. I appreciate ideas like this – even when I am not convinced of their validity. I think I know myself quite well, but there are aspects of one’s own personality, or at least persona, that are hidden from one’s own view. Understanding those extra little bits can occassionally lead to a revelation. In my mind, I plan events because I realized that I can do it well, I get paid for it, and I specifically enjoy participating in the party atmosphere. In this way, I think I plan events BECAUSE I want to participate in life, but I am clumsy at it in a real-life setting. The truth is that my work-self is consistently at ease, confident, secure, etc. I have always been comfortable managing my career and ultimately succeeded. I attribute this to the fact that I don’t really care that much about it. When you have nothing to lose (except money, of course), there is a huge sense of freedom. I know that I am on to something here …
Filed under: Self Assessment
I recently realized a few things about myself and decided to start an on-going list, just for kicks. Here is my first installment:
1) I laugh (and sometimes speak) very loudly. Considering that I had a really unfortunate smile as a young person and would only laugh, quietly, behind my cupped hand, I am happy to accept this new reality. I find it very amusing, for some reason, that I randomly developed this ability to laugh freely and often.
2) I don’t like to say bad things about other people. Everyone needs to vent, me included, but whenever I get caught up in some sort of gab-fest with other people that involves discussing negative or undesirable aspects of others for sport, it literally makes me feel sick to my stomach. Maybe I AM too nice, but there are worse things to be! As someone who was often on the receiving end of torment growing up, I just don’t understand what people get from this practice.
3) I use too many words. OK – I have always been aware of this fact. Whether in writing or in conversation, I have inherited a special gift for being long-winded. Oh yes, and also for stating the obvious.
4) I over-think everything. I used to have trouble going to sleep at night because my mind would race. I suppose in an effort to rectify this situation – because I LOVE sleeping – I have now shifted my rapid and viral thinking to daytime hours. This is something I am actually trying to change. I know that I devote WAY too much time to trying to UNDERSTAND. Nothing good can come from my tireless review of everyone and everything that I encounter each day.
Filed under: Making Connections
I have something to admit. This is very difficult for me, as I have done something I swore that I would NEVER do … I went on eharmony.com. Now before you misunderstand me, I don’t think there is anything wrong with people who choose to go on these sites. I understand that some people really need or want to be in relationships; and still others just enjoy playing the field, having some fun. I don’t fit into either of these categories. I would like to be in love as much as the next person, I just have a terrible habit of falling into it all alone. Never works. The idea of logging on and hoping to electronically bump into my “soulmate” not only seemed ridiculous, it also seemed like an invitation for further rejection that I’m just not equipped to handle. I guess it was a few weeks ago during a moment of weakness/loneliness that I asked myself, why not? Too many people had been asking me ‘why don’t you have a boyfriend?’ and I figured – alright, I’ll give it a shot! All you have to do is answer some questions (a lot of questions) and see whether or not you share a certain level of compatibility with anyone in the mysterious database. I was not expecting to get actual responses, certainly not so many and so quickly. I figured that I couldn’t turn back now, so I checked out a dozen or so profiles. It didn’t take long for me to get rejection notices from a handful of guys who objected to my profile’s lack of photo (which nonsensically made me feel ugly). And then I got a few requests for the next level of communication – where the potential “love matches” submit questions in an effort to get to know even more about you. I persevered, thinking this might be less awkward than filling out the internet equivalent of a scantron. I was wrong. I ask myself all the time whether, perhaps, something is fundamentally flawed in me. Maybe I am a mutant of some sort who just cannot date successfully, on-line or off. It works for a lot of people, but if this is the only chance I have to get a date, I must fully embrace my “freak of nature” loner-girl status once and for all.
