Filed under: Bad Habits
Is it possible to be too forgiving? I’ve been told that it is so and that I am guilty of this affliction. I have been betrayed/disappointed/hurt by people, as I assume everyone has, and I am certain that I have also returned the favor. So I wonder, what is the cut-off for absolution? How does one measure a pardonable offense? Forgiveness is not about forgetting – it is not the same as saying “that’s okay”. It is about understanding and compassion. We are all human and make mistakes and feeling sorry is a valid emotion. My merciful approach is quite selfish. In order for me to have power over my life and to move forward, I require a resolution. In some cases that involves carrying on and pretending that nothing happened. In other instances, it means leaving something or someone behind, altogether. Either way, the truth is always looming. What brought me to this point today was the realization that there are things and people that I have not actually forgiven. In my rush to find closure, I made justifications and allowances that were not entirely genuine, no matter how much I wanted them to be or tried to make it so. I strive not to wallow. I aim to be honest with myself and not to sell myself short. Sometimes I fail. Perhaps the hardest to forgive is oneself.
Filed under: Friends & Family
I was watching the Today show this morning and they highlighted a family of four sisters who all turned out to be successful business executives. I didn’t think this was a marvel of modern society, especially considering that all of the women are well into middle age. However, I do acknowledge their point about how their parents’ love and support gave them confidence to pursue their goals and ultimately to succeed in life. I know how lucky I am to have had two parents who have always and will always love me unconditionally. They always encouraged me and my siblings to do our best and told us that we could achieve anything we put our minds to. Frankly, it amazes me that two people who got married at 17 and 18 years old were able to raise four children at all. The fact that we are all fairly well-adjusted, functional members of society is a big deal. Of course I am biased, but a few simple facts add up to a very important reality for me. My parents have been married for 33 years and are still together. My father regularly worked (and still works) two to three jobs to support his family. My parents would do anything for me and drop everything to come to my aid, if I ever needed it. They always have my best interests at heart and the lines of communication are always open. I know how much these things have impacted my life and how important they were in building the foundation of who I am. I have also seen how a lack of stability in any one of these areas has effected people around me. I’m not saying that my parents did everything right, but I am very aware of what they tried to do and extremely grateful for everything they did.
Filed under: Bad Habits
I have been feeling like a storm cloud was following me around for the past couple of weeks. I can’t describe it exactly, but I would qualify it as a world-class funk. I know that life is all about the ebbs and flows, but sometimes knowing that things could be worse just doesn’t make a person feel better. I torture myself a fair amount, but I am generally an optimist. So when I get caught up in those brooding moments, I start to feel like a bad person. It’s as if I’ve crossed over to the dark side and nothing can keep me from wallowing in my wretched mood. I am happy to say that after a relaxing weekend and some friendly chats about all the things we take for granted, I feel much more like myself. Spring is here and everything that once held hope seems somehow renewed. Thanks be to God, Hef Jr. and Billy Bragg (in that order).
Filed under: Friends & Family
I was chatting with a friend of mine (male) and we were both complaining about our lack of dates. After the requisite back and forth about why this could be, we both came to the same conclusion. Though we aren’t in a particular rush, we both want to be married and have a family – someday. Obviously that’s hard to do when you aren’t meeting other people with the same thought in mind. And so he proposed a pact, a la My Best Friend’s Wedding – if we are still single at 35, we will marry each other. The conversation was mostly in jest, but it definitely got me thinking about whether or not I might actually consider such a bizarre proposition. From my romantic’s perspective, it sounds competely crazy to consider committing your life to someone that you don’t currently and might never love “in that way”. On the other hand, since the success of a marriage depends so much on the work that goes into it – couldn’t it be that marrying a really good friend isn’t necessarily a totally insane idea? It would be like an arranged marriage, but we would actually have a say and we’ve known each other for many years. At this point it is still unimaginable to me, but who can say what will happen over the next 6 years . . .
Filed under: Making Connections
I met a very cool Italian guy at the bar of the restaurant where I had dinner last night. As someone who is never hit on, much less spoken to under these circumstances, I was a little surprised to be able to converse with someone so comfortably. Mind you, this was not a pick-up. We chatted about his home country, which I have visited and fell in LOVE with, as well as the country of my family’s heritage, Cuba. He had been to Havana with friends and so we chatted about his experiences and his perception of the situation there (politically and culturally speaking). It got me thinking that I have a history of connecting easily with people from other countries. I don’t know if this is because they are somehow more outgoing or perhaps immune to the “unapproachable shield” that I am constantly accused of sporting. When I look back on the friends I have made through the years, I see a diverse group with representatives from various parts of Africa, China, India, Poland, Saudi Arabia, the UK and more . . . Do I project a certain aura of interest that allows me instant entry to the international social club? I have always had a fascination with different cultures. However, I was born and raised as an American, so I never thought of myself as “ethnic” until others started to refer to me as such. I’m not sure I fully understand the phenomenon, but it seems to happen organically and definitely bears further investigation!
Filed under: Day-to-Day
I have a healthy sense of humor, which I am very thankful for in this life. One thing I find particularly hilarious is the way a compliment can carry with it the distinct ring of an insult. Whether the injurious part is completely unintentional or just crudely cloaked does not detract from my amusement. Not to say that “I’m rubber and you’re glue”. I am human and a rather sensitive person, so I’m completely susceptible to the sting of a negative comment. I always return to the same thing in the end – I know who I am. I have a lot of experience with reconciling the misconceptions of others, but I’m out of that business. I no longer feel the need to correct those who unsuccessfully fill in the blanks. There really is freedom (and sometimes comedy) in letting go!
Filed under: Bad Habits
Do you ever fancy yourself a super-sleuth? I don’t know why I do this and I understand it only further implicates me as someone with “trust issues”. I can’t deny it. I think it’s a combination of my slightly suspicious nature, personal experience and a little too much time on my hands. I know I’m not the only one out there with the notion that if I can uncover the horrible facts before they are revealed to me, it might soften the blow. This applies to most things in my life. Yes, I have heard of a self-fulfilling prophecy. And still I’m not fully convinced that a little bit of paranoia is a bad thing.
Filed under: One of Those Days
For pictures that always make me smile, for music that can always change my mood and, most importantly, for those people who just know. It’s a magical, mystical, wonderful thing when you are having a bad day and something unexpected happens – a phone call, an e-mail, anything. It’s as if someone, somewhere just senses you need encouragement and then there it is.
Filed under: Day-to-Day
Sometimes I wonder, though I am not to my knowledge fluent in any other language, is it truly English that I speak? Have I created a new language, unwittingly, which only I can understand? Or could it be that my English has just gotten so poor that it has morphed into some unintelligible sublanguage that sounds a little something like “wah wah wah, wah wah, wah wah wah” to all humans other than me? I ask myself this all the time because it seems like people really don’t hear what I am saying. The only other possibility is that people choose not to listen to me, or that they interpret my actual words to fit whatever it is that they think I mean. And that just can’t be – because don’t all people hate having their expressions, thoughts or words interpreted and read back to them incorrectly? Or is that just me?
Filed under: One of Those Days
This whole early DST thing has really thrown me off. I woke up feeling completely unrested after a perfectly respectable 7 hour sleep (I usually try to get 8). It took a good 3 hours upon arriving to work before I actually managed to eke out a complete, coherent thought. And now I am feeling ready to jump out of my skin. Like, I would really enjoy a nice, brisk 10 mile run around the city. I had one cup of coffee at 7 am and right now I’m in full-on manic mode. And all I can do is tap my feet, spin my chair and type, type, type!!
