Filed under: Making Connections
Though I have always had a vivid and powerful notion of what my life could/should/would be, I can’t say that I have ever really been a planner. To the extent that I wanted to live in New York and then Los Angeles, that I wanted to travel internationally, that I wanted to pursue the things that I enjoy doing in my life and interact with all varieties of people. I had ideas in my mind, I took steps to make things happen, which led me to experiencing some of them as reality. So much of what people find disappointing in life can be attributed to expectations unmet. While here I am realizing that one great error I might have made is having no expectations at all. I have touted on this very page the supportive environment in which I grew up, but somewhere along the way I came to the conclusion that I was in this life basically alone. This is something separate from my religious beliefs and how I feel about my place in the universe, but no less important or impactful. I believe that this attitude has empowered me to take control of the direction of my life and to be “successful” in some arenas, yet I fear that this could be the direct cause of failures in other areas of my life, particularly socially. Expecting the worst of people can steer one down the road to a self-fulfilling prophecy - something that gives me no personal satisfaction; and closing one’s eyes and hoping for the best, while occassionally useful as a coping mechanism, is a far too passive and even dismissive mantra to live by. Last week it was suggested to me that I be careful with being “too introspective” and “too controlled”. I am trying to evaluate these comments in a productive way, but I can’t seem to process character flaw assessments any better than I can compliments. All I know is that I have found an obvious and staggering disconnect between the internal and external versions of my self and I am really hoping to find a thick, permanent marker with which to connect the dots.
