Filed under: One of Those Days
I have been so thankful for the busy-ness of my business over the past month. If there is one thing I have asked for recently, it is to be taxed to the point of exhaustion so that I can stop spending so much time mulling over things I cannot change. Admittedly, what I really hoped for was that I would not get what I wanted, but instead something surprising would come my way and somehow light the path to the land of fulfillment. I’m not looking for any kind of miracle, I don’t need to find a pot of gold and I’m more than equipped to navigate that long and winding road all by myself, no yellow brick required. Still, there is no denying that I have been stuck in some kind of box for far too long and I must find a way out. I must have built it all on my own and somehow locked myself in and threw away the key. All I can do now is think in circles about how to escape. What’s funny is that I am generally rather good with puzzles. I even recall winning a ribbon or two for mathlete-style problem-solving back in middle school. No such luck in this round. To fully contextualize my current state, I should mention that I discovered very recently that my ex-boyfriend got married. I had long ago convinced myself that this was the most likely scenario, so I really should not have been shocked by the confirmation. However, as he is the only boyfriend I’ve ever had, it stands to reason that the heart cannot fully process this particular fact. I am genuinely happy for him and wish them both nothing but unending bliss. I do mean that. However, sitting here in this dark, lonely, cramped, locked box, I feel sad. It is hard to look back on a person that you used to be, to remember a time that is so far away and bittersweet. So much of who I was during that period of life is unrecognizable, but the memories are vivid. It seems that some people take two steps forward while others take two steps in some other direction . . .
