Jax Attax

I am generally very good at dealing with stress - to a fault, actually.  I am known for being “fine” through just about everything.  I suppose it is what makes me a go-to friend during times of trouble - and it also makes me good at my job.  I started to question this a bit when I received some difficult news last week.  My response was so cool, calm and collected that it freaked me out.  I am a problem solver - if something is wrong, tell me what it is and I will do everything I can to figure out how to solve it.  I have had to survive a lot in life, as we all have - but I suppose having to get through many things on my own has made me focus almost entirely inward.  I remember how I reacted when I found out last year that my brother had been in a devastating accident.  There was my father sitting stoically in the driver’s seat, on the phone and trying to get some answers.  My mother was in the passenger seat up front, doing her best not to drown in tears.  My younger sister was next to me in the back seat and, to be honest, I really don’t remember what she was doing.  All I know is that I kept telling myself to breath in and out deeply.  I can still feel the sensation of the air filling my lungs as I was looking out at the rolling hills of West Virginia.  For 3 hours I sat in the car repeating to myself - don’t get upset, yet - you will get there and assess the situation and give him whatever support he needs.  My sister almost fainted when she walked into the emergency room.  It is not an easy thing to see someone you love in traction, knowing they are scared, in pain and, in this case, totally unrecognizable.  I just went to him and grabbed his hand.  I wanted him to look in my eyes and see that I was not worried so that he would feel secure.  I don’t know if it worked, but it gave me some sense of purpose.  After questioning my response to the present family crisis, I seem to have struck a chord - within myself.  It started out as a subtle pang of emotion that has swelled and is now thrusting secret pockets of hidden feelings into the spotlight.  I’m not sure what it’s all about, but I think even the most put-together people among us need to clean out the closet every now and then to make room for whatever lies ahead …

I’m feeling stupid - there’s no other way to put it and I consider myself a pretty smart person, so I’m not saying this lightly.  I am an optimist about most things and I think for once I have to admit that I was stupid - stupid for believing in the possibilities; stupid for listening to the things that other people said, hoping they were right, but knowing in my gut that they were not; stupid for putting myself into a situation that resulted in me feeling … yes - you guessed it - stupid.  The truly sad (though not surprising) part is that my feelings are the cause of my stupidity.  I have always told myself that feelings are not wrong; how can they be, if they are just what you feel??  Unfortunately, whatever it is that I am feeling seems to be wasted energy.  Life is too short and I just can’t allow myself to be stupid any longer! 

I thought writing a blog would be difficult for many reasons.  First, what would I have to say?  Second, would anyone care?  And finally, if people did care to read it, would I have the stomach for whatever comments come my way … It has been a fun and often surprising experience, even considering that I don’t post regularly.  I wonder if it is lame that I write about my social life.  I admit it is a safe way for me to dip my big toe into the icy waters of this platform.  There is a reason I don’t want to get too deeply into politics or religion or other highly debatable topics - and the reasoning is simple.  I feel pretty passionately about those things and I don’t know that blogs are the appropriate forum for a real discussion.   I have tried to read blog posts with multiple participants slinging ideas, and sometimes insults, back and forth.  It can be difficult to follow the progression and many times there is no progression at all.  I like to challenge people to try to change my mind about issues that are important to them.  At the very least, I want to understand their views, especially if they differ from my own.  I hope that sometimes my perspective can also have an impact on the way others think.  That is very hard to do without an in-person type of dialogue.  Sometimes that feels like a cop-out, but I’m still working it out.   

A friend recently told me that she thought I wasn’t interested in being a participant.  In life, in general.  It was a harsh indictment and I strenuously object to the notion.  However, I take everything people say to heart, at least for a moment.  Perhaps because I was so adamant about being right in my youth, I have decided that maybe I am wrong about a lot of things.  So, I consider - her theory stems from the fact that I plan events for a living.  This allows me to set the scene for other peoples’ enjoyment without having to actively experience it - or so she contends.  I appreciate ideas like this - even when I am not convinced of their validity.  I think I know myself quite well, but there are aspects of one’s own personality, or at least persona, that are hidden from one’s own view.  Understanding those extra little bits can occassionally lead to a revelation.   In my mind, I plan events because I realized that I can do it well, I get paid for it, and I specifically enjoy participating in the party atmosphere.  In this way, I think I plan events BECAUSE I want to participate in life, but I am clumsy at it in a real-life setting.  The truth is that my work-self is consistently at ease, confident, secure, etc.  I have always been comfortable managing my career and ultimately succeeded.  I attribute this to the fact that I don’t really care that much about it.  When you have nothing to lose (except money, of course), there is a huge sense of freedom.  I know that I am on to something here …