Jax Attax

I am generally very good at dealing with stress – to a fault, actually.  I am known for being “fine” through just about everything.  I suppose it is what makes me a go-to friend during times of trouble – and it also makes me good at my job.  I started to question this a bit when I received some difficult news last week.  My response was so cool, calm and collected that it freaked me out.  I am a problem solver – if something is wrong, tell me what it is and I will do everything I can to figure out how to solve it.  I have had to survive a lot in life, as we all have – but I suppose having to get through many things on my own has made me focus almost entirely inward.  I remember how I reacted when I found out last year that my brother had been in a devastating accident.  There was my father sitting stoically in the driver’s seat, on the phone and trying to get some answers.  My mother was in the passenger seat up front, doing her best not to drown in tears.  My younger sister was next to me in the back seat and, to be honest, I really don’t remember what she was doing.  All I know is that I kept telling myself to breath in and out deeply.  I can still feel the sensation of the air filling my lungs as I was looking out at the rolling hills of West Virginia.  For 3 hours I sat in the car repeating to myself – don’t get upset, yet - you will get there and assess the situation and give him whatever support he needs.  My sister almost fainted when she walked into the emergency room.  It is not an easy thing to see someone you love in traction, knowing they are scared, in pain and, in this case, totally unrecognizable.  I just went to him and grabbed his hand.  I wanted him to look in my eyes and see that I was not worried so that he would feel secure.  I don’t know if it worked, but it gave me some sense of purpose.  After questioning my response to the present family crisis, I seem to have struck a chord – within myself.  It started out as a subtle pang of emotion that has swelled and is now thrusting secret pockets of hidden feelings into the spotlight.  I’m not sure what it’s all about, but I think even the most put-together people among us need to clean out the closet every now and then to make room for whatever lies ahead …