Jax Attax

I hate to say it, but after living in Los Angeles for 3+ years, I am gulity of a certain amount of flakiness.  It’s a quality I abhor and I am now actively working against all impulses that would lead me down the path of unreliability.  I can’t blame the entire phenomenon on the city of Los Angeles or its people, of course.  I just find that stereotypical artificiality does run rampant there.  Something about the gorgeous weather and laid back attitude makes it easier and more acceptable to be flighty.  Hollywood is a town full of supposed movers and shakers, so if you aren’t so in demand that you have to cancel plans, it’s possible that you are a loser.  Whether you live in a bustling metropolis or on a farm, miles from you nearest neighbor, there’s always an excuse.  Apparently everyone is busy, everyone is exhausted, we all have “things to do”.  Why is it so hard to follow through?  Are we really satisfied with just going through the motions of making plans?  Usually when I don’t return calls or cancel with a friend it’s because I’m in a funk and don’t want to bring anyone else down to my miserable level.  It’s perfectly reasonable that sometimes we just don’t feel like doing anything and everyone has the right to just say “no”.  Unfortunately, the flakes of the world have united, becoming prolific and progressively infectious. 

Is it possible to be too forgiving? I’ve been told that it is so and that I am guilty of this affliction. I have been betrayed/disappointed/hurt by people, as I assume everyone has, and I am certain that I have also returned the favor. So I wonder, what is the cut-off for absolution? How does one measure a pardonable offense? Forgiveness is not about forgetting - it is not the same as saying “that’s okay”. It is about understanding and compassion. We are all human and make mistakes and feeling sorry is a valid emotion. My merciful approach is quite selfish. In order for me to have power over my life and to move forward, I require a resolution. In some cases that involves carrying on and pretending that nothing happened. In other instances, it means leaving something or someone behind, altogether. Either way, the truth is always looming. What brought me to this point today was the realization that there are things and people that I have not actually forgiven. In my rush to find closure, I made justifications and allowances that were not entirely genuine, no matter how much I wanted them to be or tried to make it so. I strive not to wallow.  I aim to be honest with myself and not to sell myself short.  Sometimes I fail.  Perhaps the hardest to forgive is oneself.

I have been feeling like a storm cloud was following me around for the past couple of weeks.  I can’t describe it exactly, but I would qualify it as a world-class funk.  I know that life is all about the ebbs and flows, but sometimes knowing that things could be worse just doesn’t make a person feel better.  I torture myself a fair amount, but I am generally an optimist.  So when I get caught up in those brooding moments, I start to feel like a bad person.  It’s as if I’ve crossed over to the dark side and nothing can keep me from wallowing in my wretched mood.  I am happy to say that after a relaxing weekend and some friendly chats about all the things we take for granted, I feel much more like myself.  Spring is here and everything that once held hope seems somehow renewed.  Thanks be to God, Hef Jr. and Billy Bragg (in that order). 

Do you ever fancy yourself a super-sleuth?  I don’t know why I do this and I understand it only further implicates me as someone with “trust issues”.  I can’t deny it.  I think it’s a combination of my slightly suspicious nature, personal experience and a little too much time on my hands.  I know I’m not the only one out there with the notion that if I can uncover the horrible facts before they are revealed to me, it might soften the blow.  This applies to most things in my life.  Yes, I have heard of a self-fulfilling prophecy.  And still I’m not fully convinced that a little bit of paranoia is a bad thing.