Jax Attax

I have something to admit.  This is very difficult for me, as I have done something I swore that I would NEVER do … I went on eharmony.com.  Now before you misunderstand me, I don’t think there is anything wrong with people who choose to go on these sites.  I understand that some people really need or want to be in relationships; and still others just enjoy playing the field, having some fun.  I don’t fit into either of these categories.  I would like to be in love as much as the next person, I just have a terrible habit of falling into it all alone.  Never works.  The idea of logging on and hoping to electronically bump into my “soulmate” not only seemed ridiculous, it also seemed like an invitation for further rejection that I’m just not equipped to handle.  I guess it was a few weeks ago during a moment of weakness/loneliness that I asked myself, why not?  Too many people had been asking me ‘why don’t you have a boyfriend?’ and I figured - alright, I’ll give it a shot!  All you have to do is answer some questions (a lot of questions) and see whether or not you share a certain level of compatibility with anyone in the mysterious database.  I was not expecting to get actual responses, certainly not so many and so quickly.  I figured that I couldn’t turn back now, so I checked out a dozen or so profiles.  It didn’t take long for me to get rejection notices from a handful of guys who objected to my profile’s lack of photo (which nonsensically made me feel ugly).  And then I got a few requests for the next level of communication - where the potential “love matches” submit questions in an effort to get to know even more about you.  I persevered, thinking this might be less awkward than filling out the internet equivalent of a scantron.  I was wrong.  I ask myself all the time whether, perhaps, something is fundamentally flawed in me.  Maybe I am a mutant of some sort who just cannot date successfully, on-line or off.  It works for a lot of people, but if this is the only chance I have to get a date, I must fully embrace my “freak of nature” loner-girl status once and for all.  

Though I have always had a vivid and powerful notion of what my life could/should/would be, I can’t say that I have ever really been a planner.  To the extent that I wanted to live in New York and then Los Angeles, that I wanted to travel internationally, that I wanted to pursue the things that I enjoy doing in my life and interact with all varieties of people.  I had ideas in my mind, I took steps to make things happen, which led me to experiencing some of them as reality.  So much of what people find disappointing in life can be attributed to expectations unmet.  While here I am realizing that one great error I might have made is having no expectations at all.  I have touted on this very page the supportive environment in which I grew up, but somewhere along the way I came to the conclusion that I was in this life basically alone.  This is something separate from my religious beliefs and how I feel about my place in the universe, but no less important or impactful.  I believe that this attitude has empowered me to take control of the direction of my life and to be “successful” in some arenas, yet I fear that this could be the direct cause of failures in other areas of my life, particularly socially.  Expecting the worst of people can steer one down the road to a self-fulfilling prophecy - something that gives me no personal satisfaction; and closing one’s eyes and hoping for the best, while occassionally useful as a coping mechanism, is a far too passive and even dismissive mantra to live by.  Last week it was suggested to me that I be careful with being “too introspective” and “too controlled”.  I am trying to evaluate these comments in a productive way, but I can’t seem to process character flaw assessments any better than I can compliments.  All I know is that I have found an obvious and staggering disconnect between the internal and external versions of my self and I am really hoping to find a thick, permanent marker with which to connect the dots. 

I make it a point not to regret anything. Things happen or don’t for a number of reasons. I make an effort figure it out, but sometimes there isn’t a clear explanation available. Something is always gained – perhaps an important life lesson or just some really wonderful memories. I’ve been thinking a lot lately about people who have come in and out of my life at various points. A brief encounter with a total stranger that seemed so easy, it was as if we had been friends for a lifetime; a co-worker, who shared all the same passions and interests, there was every reason for us to hang out and become great pals; a neighbor, who was a kindred spirit and inspired in me a rare feeling of belonging. Chemistry, common interests, similar outlooks – these are the things that can forge potent bonds with the people around us. So why didn’t it happen? Maybe all we get is the spark and the rest is up to us. Did I drop the ball or did those people serve their purpose? It may be a question without an answer. But, how can it be that people I have known for more than 10 years still don’t have a clue about what makes me tick? Then I can make a new acquaintance, randomly, who instantly gets me – then disappears? Seems like a waste. I know part of the mystery might be timing. People can even reappear, unexpectedly. As for the rest, I will reminisce with a hint of bittersweetness.

I met a very cool Italian guy at the bar of the restaurant where I had dinner last night.  As someone who is never hit on, much less spoken to under these circumstances, I was a little surprised to be able to converse with someone so comfortably.  Mind you, this was not a pick-up.  We chatted about his home country, which I have visited and fell in LOVE with, as well as the country of my family’s heritage, Cuba.  He had been to Havana with friends and so we chatted about his experiences and his perception of the situation there (politically and culturally speaking).  It got me thinking that I have a history of connecting easily with people from other countries.  I don’t know if this is because they are somehow more outgoing or perhaps immune to the “unapproachable shield” that I am constantly accused of sporting.  When I look back on the friends I have made through the years, I see a diverse group with representatives from various parts of Africa, China, India, Poland, Saudi Arabia, the UK and more . . . Do I project a certain aura of interest that allows me instant entry to the international social club?  I have always had a fascination with different cultures.  However, I was born and raised as an American, so I never thought of myself as “ethnic” until others started to refer to me as such.  I’m not sure I fully understand the phenomenon, but it seems to happen organically and definitely bears further investigation!

I believe that people can change, but I also think anyone expecting or hoping for someone to change should reevaluate thier reality.  The likelihood that someone will decide to change or just happen to change in the way that you want them to is quite slim.  One of the great challenges in life is to learn to accept people as they are.  Certainly we all have the option to avoid people.  We can end relationships when we discover that we can’t get past the things that will not be changed.  We can force ourselves to change to accommodate those things.  Or we can live in a state of misery, denial, or resignation.  I am no expert, but I have been witness to (and undoubtedly a participant in) countless scenarios involving this exact dilemma.  As an invested party, I often find myself hopeful and optimistic that “things will work out” for my friend, sibling, parent, etc.  As an unbiased outsider, I tend to be a little more pragmatic.  I have a policy never to give advice.  However, as someone who is regularly consulted for my opinion, I find the road between honesty and diplomacy a complicated one to navigate. 

Gotta love the three-day weekend . . . as if I needed yet another opportunity to indulge in the fascinating world of e-socialization. First myspace, and now here I am, starting a blog. It’s simple, really - I got tired of everyone telling me that I never “let anyone in”. So, if people actually are interested in what goes on in that head of mine, this is one place where they can catch a glimpse. Of course, they could also just ask me. I don’t know if it’s me or just the way of the world, but that doesn’t seem to happen very often.