Jax Attax

I don’t want to sound like a raving lunatic, but I feel like this subject keeps coming up and it is starting to drive me a little crazy.  I don’t know how to articulate a response without sounding annoyed or bitter or cynical, all of which are things I don’t typically feel.  Usually I just politely ask to change the subject.  Still, the emotions and thoughts that I would otherwise be spilling remain choked up inside my chest.  So, as of this blog post, I can officially say that I am one of those people taking to the internet to openly air her grievances. 

I am 30 years old, straight and single.  I am an awesome person – at least I think so – and my family and friends at least humor me with their agreement.  I’m decent, kind, smart, super fun and at least remotely attractive.  Once upon a time I had a boyfriend, it didn’t work out and eventually I got over it.  In the years since, I have had little to no success in the love department.  After many years of enjoying single life, I do feel now that it might be nice to try to have a committed relationship.  It’s important to note that I am not someone who feels the rush to get married or have children.  I have never thought about what my dress would look like, what flowers I would have, what my colors would be, etc.  If I ever do marry, I would prefer a simple civil ceremony followed by a huge party for all of my friends and family to celebrate.  Honestly, I’d just be happy to have a “partner in crime.”  I also love children and I hope to have at least one some day.  But, if it doesn’t work out, I happen to have four AMAZING nieces and nephews to dote on.  Being Aunt Jacquie IS very fulfilling! 

As further proof that my heart is open and fully functioning, I can tell you that I recently realized that I had strong feelings for someone who had been in and out of my life for many years.  I told him so, but unfortunately he didn’t share those feelings.  Oh well, what can you do?  

I live in a city where the majority of the people I encounter are either in relationships (and therefore unavailable) or not interested in relationships (and therefore – the dreaded term, “emotionally unavailable”).  There’s also a third category of person who just isn’t interested in me, which is fine and hardly worth mentioning.  J  I also travel a lot, which means I meet lots of new people all the time.  If you’ve read my blog before, you know that I had a brief encounter with an internet dating site and it just didn’t do it for me.  So, where does that leave a person like me?  Well, I’ll tell you … I’m living my life!  I work a lot, try to have fun in between, focus on experiences and learning new things and hope to be a positive influence in the world. 

So why write this?  I am human and anyone who knows me can attest that I have always been highly sensitive and emotional.  I’m exhausted and even hurt by the assumptions, the judgment, the questions, from those who know me well and those who don’t know me at all.  I think there should be a limit to the number of times one has to hear the following:

“Why don’t you have a boyfriend?  What do you mean you don’t have a boyfriend?  You have everything going for you.  How is it possible that you don’t get asked out on dates?  People where you live must be blind or crazy.  Do you want to come out with me/meet my friend?  You must be doing something wrong.  Are you trying?  You have to believe that you deserve it.  Are you being yourself?  You must not love yourself.  Maybe people are intimidated by you.  Have you tried wearing less make-up?  You need to be more confident.  You need to be less confident.  What ever happened to that guy?  You’re just not looking in the right places.  Have you tried dating on the internet?” 

The answers, for the record are: 

I don’t know why – I have friends, some are boys, just haven’t found someone “special” yet.  Yes, it’s true, no boyfriend.  Yes, I know, I’m awesome.  As implausible as it may seem to you, I don’t get asked out on dates and I can probably count on one hand the number of times I have ever been “asked out” – and I don’t know why.  Lots of people in my neighborhood are crazy, probably a few blind ones, too, but I’m guessing that both crazy people and blind people date.  Sure, why not.  If you think I’m doing something wrong, feel free to share your thoughts.  Sometimes I try, sometimes I don’t, I can’t center my life around trying to get it right.  I KNOW I deserve it.  I can’t be anything but myself – I admit, maybe that’s a problem for some people.  That’s nuts – we all read/see the news, which showcases what happens to people who do not love themselves – I LOVE myself; how could I spend all of this time hanging out with myself and not?  I don’t know how to respond to the issue of intimidation – I consider it highly unlikely, but I can’t read minds and everything is relative – if you are afraid of me, I probably don’t want to date you, either.  I don’t wear that much make-up, sometimes I don’t wear any at all – I know I don’t look like a clown or anything, so that really shouldn’t matter.  We all have bad days and I am not going to feign confidence – maybe that day I’ll just stay home.  That’s just dumb and if you think so, maybe you’re the one with the problem.  J  I’m not sure who you are referring to.  I’m pretty sure that looking in any place will guarantee failure, but I talk to people almost everywhere I go and I smile a lot, so if someone were looking for an opening they can always find it.  I considered it, I tried to follow through with it, it felt wrong, I’m not going to do it again. 

Yup, I feel better.  And now I can just direct all further inquiries to this site, which will save me a lot of time!  If you’ve made it to the end of this post, thanks for listening.  If you’re guilty of making any of the above comments, don’t feel bad – I know it all comes from a good place and I appreciate you!

I’m feeling stupid – there’s no other way to put it and I consider myself a pretty smart person, so I’m not saying this lightly.  I am an optimist about most things and I think for once I have to admit that I was stupid – stupid for believing in the possibilities; stupid for listening to the things that other people said, hoping they were right, but knowing in my gut that they were not; stupid for putting myself into a situation that resulted in me feeling … yes – you guessed it – stupid.  The truly sad (though not surprising) part is that my feelings are the cause of my stupidity.  I have always told myself that feelings are not wrong; how can they be, if they are just what you feel??  Unfortunately, whatever it is that I am feeling seems to be wasted energy.  Life is too short and I just can’t allow myself to be stupid any longer! 

I thought writing a blog would be difficult for many reasons.  First, what would I have to say?  Second, would anyone care?  And finally, if people did care to read it, would I have the stomach for whatever comments come my way … It has been a fun and often surprising experience, even considering that I don’t post regularly.  I wonder if it is lame that I write about my social life.  I admit it is a safe way for me to dip my big toe into the icy waters of this platform.  There is a reason I don’t want to get too deeply into politics or religion or other highly debatable topics – and the reasoning is simple.  I feel pretty passionately about those things and I don’t know that blogs are the appropriate forum for a real discussion.   I have tried to read blog posts with multiple participants slinging ideas, and sometimes insults, back and forth.  It can be difficult to follow the progression and many times there is no progression at all.  I like to challenge people to try to change my mind about issues that are important to them.  At the very least, I want to understand their views, especially if they differ from my own.  I hope that sometimes my perspective can also have an impact on the way others think.  That is very hard to do without an in-person type of dialogue.  Sometimes that feels like a cop-out, but I’m still working it out.   

I don’t wish to make this a blog about politics and I think that is why I have chosen not to write anything in response to the events of April 16th, prior to now.  Though my initial reaction is devastation and anger, my inner monologue inevitably questions the prevalence of violence in society and the often nonsensical and universally impotent responses to it.  I am a pacifist and if I never again see a gun in this lifetime it will be too soon.  I am not so naive as to think I will be that lucky.  I also know all of the arguments for those who wish to own and/or carry firearms for protection, sport or any other arguably valid reason.  See above – this is not my diatribe on gun control.  I am merely feeling dumb right now.  I am confused and oddly frustrated with myself – that I wasn’t more shocked by what happened,  that I feel deeply sickened and saddened for the victims and, yet, I pray for an immediate end to the abundant and graphic coverage of the horrific events.  A clearly disturbed and misguided young person took a multimedia approach to his final stand in an effort to punish the world as he knew it.  I don’t even know how to articulate how frightening that concept is.  Then I note to myself that gruesome atrocities are carried out across the globe every day.  And these regular acts of ruin are generally executed by people with a similarly rigid burden of conviction.  Aggression and ferocity continue to rule every corner and the effects reverberate across cultures and generations.