Jax Attax

You are the rare, the overlooked, yet incredibly useful dodecahedron: the d12. You are a creative, romantic soul. You often act without thinking, but make up for your lack of plans with plenty of heart. You easily solve problems that stump others, but your answers tend to put you into even deeper trouble. You write long, detailed backgrounds for all your characters, and are most likely to dress up as one or get involved in cos-play. You can be silly at times and are easily distracted by your own day dreams, but at the end of the day you’re someone who can be depended on. 

I thought maybe I would get back into the swing of things with a second installment of silly revelations about myself for ‘08.  Jax is back and in effect! 

5)  I am a fast-walker.  I blame my dad for this, as he is the fastest walking person that I have ever met.  I used to think it was funny as a kid that I had to run to keep up.  It’s true, just ask my mother.  She still complains that when they hold hands and walk he is essentially dragging her along behind him.  Once I reached my full, adult height (5′ 9″), I came to appreciate the long stride and resultant advantage it afforded when rushing to get from point A to point B (no surprise that I ended up living in New York City - the most urgently paced city in the world).  However, when walking with vertically challenged or merely slower friends, I am often confronted with a frustrated “hey, wait for me.”   

 6)  I cannot take a compliment.  I don’t know why.  To be fair, with the exception of my relatives, the only compliments I seem to get are from complete strangers.  I guess I’m caught off-guard when someone I don’t know tries to say something nice to me.  I don’t know if I just think that they are mistaken, or if I am worried that they are trying to flatter me to prepare me for some kind of manipulation.  I get that this is cynical of me and I have worked to improve in this area.  For example, I do not roll my eyes, laugh or say “yeah, right” anymore.  I combat all of my natural instincts and simply say “thank you.” 

7)  I talk to myself.  All the time.  I know others who do this, so it shouldn’t make me feel particularly odd.  But it is getting worse as the years pass.  The main problem is my habitual use of accents and my fondness for relaying sentiments in song.  When you are in the midst of an actual conversation with others it can be amusing or, dare I say, endearing.  When you are standing in the aisle of a grocery store with no visible dialogue partner it is just CRAZY. 

 8)  I believe there is a soundtrack to my life.  I wake up with a song in my head and I basically need to listen to music all day long.  I also happen to believe that music needs to be played at high-volume.  This has not made me the best neighbor in the past (that was intentional, but I was provoked!); it also doesn’t make me the most popular driver at a stoplight during the summer (I don’t like A/C, so my windows are always down) or the most pleasant subway passenger every morning (I finally got an ipod, so I’m just making the most of it). 

Nearly two weeks into my year of being 30, I am feeling pretty great. There is no good reason for it and the only thing I can figure is that the accomplishment of turning 30 has given me an unexpected sense of pride and, oddly, entitlement. Suddenly I am hyper-aware of all that I have to offer and I am openly giving myself some credit. I believe that my greatest happiness and success is yet to come. I’m wondering why I spent so much of my youth being underwhelmed by myself. There have been challenges and a few missteps to overcome - I’m not saying that I’m God’s gift to anything - but, I am finally ready to admit that I am proud of ME. I have worked so hard for everything I have achieved in my life. Many things have yet to come to fruition, but time seems so relative to me now. If there is anything that I can say, after 30 years of existence, it is that I have done my best to become the best human being that I can be. I have had a lot of love, a fair amount of privilege, and a little bit of guts to carry me through. It still bothers me that some people just don’t GET IT. But I think by the time I reach 40, I might finally have figured out how not to care!

A friend recently told me that she thought I wasn’t interested in being a participant.  In life, in general.  It was a harsh indictment and I strenuously object to the notion.  However, I take everything people say to heart, at least for a moment.  Perhaps because I was so adamant about being right in my youth, I have decided that maybe I am wrong about a lot of things.  So, I consider - her theory stems from the fact that I plan events for a living.  This allows me to set the scene for other peoples’ enjoyment without having to actively experience it - or so she contends.  I appreciate ideas like this - even when I am not convinced of their validity.  I think I know myself quite well, but there are aspects of one’s own personality, or at least persona, that are hidden from one’s own view.  Understanding those extra little bits can occassionally lead to a revelation.   In my mind, I plan events because I realized that I can do it well, I get paid for it, and I specifically enjoy participating in the party atmosphere.  In this way, I think I plan events BECAUSE I want to participate in life, but I am clumsy at it in a real-life setting.  The truth is that my work-self is consistently at ease, confident, secure, etc.  I have always been comfortable managing my career and ultimately succeeded.  I attribute this to the fact that I don’t really care that much about it.  When you have nothing to lose (except money, of course), there is a huge sense of freedom.  I know that I am on to something here …

I recently realized a few things about myself and decided to start an on-going list, just for kicks.  Here is my first installment:  

 1)     I laugh (and sometimes speak) very loudly.  Considering that I had a really unfortunate smile as a young person and would only laugh, quietly, behind my cupped hand, I am happy to accept this new reality.  I find it very amusing, for some reason, that I randomly developed this ability to laugh freely and often.  

2)     I don’t like to say bad things about other people.  Everyone needs to vent, me included, but whenever I get caught up in some sort of gab-fest with other people that involves discussing negative or undesirable aspects of others for sport, it literally makes me feel sick to my stomach.  Maybe I AM too nice, but there are worse things to be!  As someone who was often on the receiving end of torment growing up, I just don’t understand what people get from this practice.

3)     I use too many words.  OK – I have always been aware of this fact.  Whether in writing or in conversation, I have inherited a special gift for being long-winded.  Oh yes, and also for stating the obvious. 

4)     I over-think everything.  I used to have trouble going to sleep at night because my mind would race.  I suppose in an effort to rectify this situation – because I LOVE sleeping – I have now shifted my rapid and viral thinking to daytime hours.  This is something I am actually trying to change.  I know that I devote WAY too much time to trying to UNDERSTAND.  Nothing good can come from my tireless review of everyone and everything that I encounter each day.